Losing Someone You Love . . . Searching for Bobby?

Change and acceptance are inevitably the most challenging state of affairs.  There may be varying degrees of difficulty depending on the situation.  Losing someone you love is a heartrending experience.  Has there been a time in your life when you were challenged to accept such a fate?

Such a fate will affect matters of the heart at the deepest level.  Without any doubt, they are complex and arduous.  Trying to forget the experience is clearly unattainable.  It is never about disregarding the experience, sweeping it under the rug, but rather the consideration and understanding of acceptance.  It is about learning bravely, sifting through our perceptions of negative thoughts and extracting some measure of truth that teaches us something of value.  What did you learn?  If you could, would you make a different choice?  How has it changed who you are?  How can you help someone else through their experience?

Losing someone through death, divorce or abandonment is agonizing and heartbreaking.  It would be unusual to say that anyone was immune from such an outcome.   Although devastating, they broaden who we are.  What emotions have you felt from your experience?  What differences do you see and feel about life?  How can you help another human being?

Here is one journey that I relate, express and share with you.  It is not my personal experience; yet, it is everyone’s, simply because at one point or another we have all embraced loss, misfortune and adversity.

In 1969, when my husband Gary was only 13 years old he lost someone so dear to him – his baby brother. Can you imagine? I cannot.

Five years earlier, Gary’s parents decided to become foster parents and opened their home to an infant boy.  Foster parenting can be noble, benignant, and rewarding, offering support and guidance to someone who may not necessarily have received it, shaping the child’s future when placed in the right environment.  But, it takes extraordinary strength to let the child go.  The separation and loss are unimaginable.

From the foster child’s perspective, perhaps it feels like a movie being played and replayed, being taken from your natural parents, to foster care, and, then to adopted parents.  Although there may not be any concrete memory of leaving the hospital, as Bobby was only a few months old, the deeply rooted memories are lodged within the structure of his entire body, every muscle and fiber within.  One would believe that he remembers some of his formative years with Gary and his siblings.

For Gary and his siblings, to welcome a newborn baby brother was an endearing and loving encounter, nurturing a tremendous exchange of love and devotion.  For Gary, in particular, since the foundation of his family was waning and marred, the connection with Bobby was his saving grace, someone to adore and love.  His attentive mannerisms were well received, and over time brotherly love developed and expanded.

Can you imagine …. School is out, the summer months roll in; the balmy air reminds you that it is time to participate in fun-spirited activities, you just celebrated your birthdays together and then the social worker appears taking your brother away? Memories flash of her green – blue VW Bug; and, as quickly as she appeared, Bobby disappeared, for good.

It is an inexpressible experience, the ultimate definition of loss and abandonment; yet, the attached emotions never will be extinguished – love, care and protection.  Beyond that there is always an ache, an empty hole that is never filled, a void from the abandonment that is lasting.  When will the light come back on?

Some fortunes in life can be transformed; there is always hope.  By nature I am hopeful, looking for that happy ending.  When people are in pain I search for ways to assist and give wholeheartedly – looking to resolve, to deliver that one magical feat of heroism.  I strive for the grand achievement, what others see as unattainable.

Back in 2005, I initiated a process to find Bobby.   I contacted the Wisconsin Adoption Records Search Program searching for Bobby Trabor or Trabert (Gary is unsure of his actual birth name – he does state that his birth certificate may spell his first name – Bobbie).  Bobby was born on June 4, 1963 or 1964, and he was placed in Gary’s home a few months after his birth.  Gary was informed that there is a remote possibility that his adopted parents changed his first name.

The initiation process came to a dead halt when I learned that foster families have no legal rights to request information.  Gary’s only option was to write a letter to Bobby, which has been placed in his adoption file.   Laws may be warranted; but in this case, they are unwanted.   It is a major roadblock.

Incredulous as it may sound, I believe Bobby is out there, somewhere searching within, looking for answers.   He may never know the magnitude of affect he had on others.   At this point in time, he does not know that Gary is looking for him.

Can you please help us?!

There may be one person that knows Bobby; and, that he was born in Wisconsin on June 4, 1963 or 1964, that he was adopted.  Conceivably Bobby still has glimpses of a past with two brothers and a sister, perhaps he remembers.

Bobby’s birthday is on June 4^th and Gary’s is on June 15^th.  That would be an incredible heartfelt and blessed birthday present, to have them meet after 41 years of being apart!

Please ‘pay it forward’.  Even if you do not have a direct connection to Bobby, there may be someone else who is in dire need of help, someone who is searching for a lost one.  Be a conduit to assist others.

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.  ~ Anne Frank

Please help!

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light.  ~ Norman B. Rice

Please contact Gary at 727.374.7652.

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